Last night Jaxton wouldn't go to sleep and so I was browsing some of the blogs of note on here for a bit. I came across one about a couple who lost their 9 month old son to a brain tumor after months of being in and out of the hospital for other issues. I was in tears reading the blog that came up and for some reason kept reading and couldn't stop. My heart aches so much for these people and when the mother said someone pointed out to her that the baby lived longer in her womb than outside of it I bawled.
Dealing with a loss of any sort is never easy but which is worse, getting to meet your child even if it is just for a short amount of time or never getting to meet them at all? Most people know that I lost a baby at 12 1/2 weeks. This was hard enough for me and at the time I actually asked myself this exact question.
When you don't even get the chance to meet your child you can only imagine which parent they would have looked like, if it was a boy or a girl, what it would have been like having that child in general. You are constantly realizing the dates related to the baby: when you found out you were pregnant, the baby's due date, the date you lost the baby, when they baby would have been a month old, a year old...it never really goes away. But in the end, you still never got to meet that baby.
When parents do have the chance to spend even a short time with their baby I think they would feel like they really know what they lost. How sweet that baby was, his/her smiles, their looks and attitudes...they know what they had. Hopefully they were able to cherish those moments with their baby in their arms, their baby smiling up at them, or sleeping peacefully. Does it really make the loss worse since they had just that little glimpse at what they are missing out on after the baby is taken? I obviously can't say from experience but I'd have to guess that it really would hurt worse. The quote that comes to mind is "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" I'm not saying that nobody loves their unborn baby, because anyone who has been pregnant knows that isn't true, but holding a baby in your arms is a whole different sort of love.
All of this going through my head made me realize how lucky I truly am. I went through one loss, but I have three healthy, adorable boys. With the last two I have had slight risks of preterm labor, but they both made it far enough that they didn't have any serious problems. For this I am more than thankful. It has made me realize how much I take forgranted. My life literally revolves around my kids. I rarely spend money on myself and if I do most of the time it can be related to them in some way, either by scrapbooking (for their books) or buying clothes (for an occasion for them usually). I really can't imagine life without any of them.
Yes, they stress me to the max some days and make me want to run away. However, on the few days I am away from them I just want them back. I work a few hours a week just to get out of the house and most of those days I can't wait to get back home to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm not the best mother in the world, as I'm sure all moms do, but I do try most of the time. Sure, I lose my patience and yell, but it happens.
Reading that couples' blog has really made me want to try that much harder to be the best mother I can be to my babies though. Another day is never guaranteed and I could never forgive myself if the last moment I had with my child I was angry or yelling at them. I really want to try and be more patient (especially with Jaxton right now) even though I know it will be hard. I want to try and find more to do with the kids other than watch movies, color, and eat. That of course isn't all we do but I want to do something different at least once a day...maybe make a calendar with ideas so I don't have to sit around every morning brainstorming. With the weather finally getting warm enough to play outside on a regular basis that makes spending time with them even easier.
There really wasn't a point to this post. If anyone actually read this far I'd be surprised to know it. I just wanted to kind of get some feelings out about the whole subject because it really hit close to home. I may not be able to buy everything I want to for my kids but that isn't the important part as long as they are taken care of and loved.
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